The past two weeks have been a struggle to get through. This precious little foot has caused so much stress and anxiety, I feel like I have aged 10 years in one. I am scared, upset and just sad about it.
Trust me, I know Benjamin will be amazing and better off with a prosthetic foot and leg. I know God is going to watch over him and that He has a plan for my baby. I have heard it all, I know it all, but at this point I just want to forget all that and be sad, because let me say, this sucks. It just plain old sucks....
I was thrown for a loop when the doctor first showed me his foot, all I saw when they gave him to me was his beautiful eyes and felt so much pride and joy. I was a little freaked out by the sight of it, but I very quickly thought it was okay. But that was because the doctors thought it was just fluid and swelling. After we realized it wasn't temporary and when we went to Children's and found out our options I was devastated. I was upset at God. Why would He let this happen to my baby? I could handle whatever being thrown my way, but this was just too much, this was my child. I Didn't like that He had allowed this condition to have affected Ben and that there was nothing I could do as a mother, nothing we could do as his parents accept make a very right, but hard decision.
It took me a while to get over this, and I'm not gonna lie, my frustrations still come to mind sometimes. I however don't think that will fully go away until after Benjamin can walk again. I was upset that He allowed this to happen, but I am also so excited that God has trusted Josh and I to raise this child, a child that will need so much love and encouragement, I am glad that we get to be his parents, as hard as it may be for us.
After the shock, anger and frustration I moved to denial that it was happening, which partially I think was because we didn't have a surgery date. Once we had the date of surgery though I just went blank, I don't even know what happened. I couldn't cry, even when I wanted to and it just didn't feel real. Then all a sudden, two and a half weeks before amputation, something shifted and the waterworks just won't stop.
I don't like to show my emotions around people, especially sad ones. I observe people, I see how they react, but I don't like to show mine. I feel crazy emotions when I read things, watch shows and movies, but I don't like being vulnerable and showing that to others. Josh I'm sure would be willing to share some of my crazy emotional reactions with other though, so he doesn't get it all. lol But lately I can't seem to hold it together you guys! Even when someone just asks how I am, and how Ben is.
The reality of all of this has definitely hit us here.
So this week as surgery approaches I will be grieving this precious little foot, no matter what, It just can't be helped, and I think that is okay and it's healthy. We know God will be with him no matter what, we know He will use our little man's life for good, no matter what. Even with this comfort, knowledge, even with everyone's kind thoughts, words and prayers, even with all of this, it sucks and we are sad.
We are happy to be Ben's parents though and we look forward to watching him grown and overcome all the things life trows his way.
Thank you to everyone for your constant love and for all your sweet comments and prayers for our baby boy.